DISCLAIMER: Below is me feeling sorry for myself. Words of encouragement are great but not really needed. It is not that I do not appreciate your thoughts. I am mainly just trying to sort some things out in my head right now…and avoiding homework. 🙂
I have a confession to make. It is not something that I like to admit, being the macho guy that I am. The truth is that I am intimidated by women, or more precisely good-looking women that I am interested in. I am sure I can trace the root of this to my lack of “dating” while in
high school, and the fact that I have only had only one “real” relationship in my life.
I never really overcame my crippling shyness in high school. It is not to say that I was not interested in girls in high school. I had many “girlfriends” in high school, and by that I mean friends that were girls. I was more comfortable being in the friend role, and at that time it worked for me. If something were to have happened, it would have been fine by me, but it was not a major part of my life. Then I met someone online and didn’t have to worry about face-to-face dealings with her, which was fine by me. I can be very witty on the phone or in e-mails, and that was definitely removed from that relationship from the very beginning. We worked very well when our relationship was done over telephone and internet lines; not so much when we actually got together and tried to figure it out in person. It just took us a long time to realize it, and maybe she was right all along when she said it was my failure to communicate that caused many of our problems.
Now this brings us back to the current day. I hadn’t really thought about this until a few weeks ago. I was out to lunch with people from work and we were talking about relationships and whatnot, and I stated that I am not too keen on being in a “relationship” now, but that I would like to meet new people and date a little, and that being alone was not a problem for me. I think I was lying to myself a bit. I don’t think I need to be with someone. I think what I miss is having someone to distract me from the boredom of everyday life.
We all need that person that we can just reach out to and have conversations about nothing, if only to pass the time, or to call up when you don’t have anything to do and go hang out for a little while. I don’t have that right now. I try, but I do not get enough engagement; conversations seem to die and I am back to where I started. People are busy and I understand that, and I do not expect people to entertain me, nor the other way around.
Maybe I am just being a little pathetic and sad for myself because I don’t feel like things are necessarily going the way I would like them to when it comes to women right now. But I seriously feel like a loser sometimes, that awkward kid I was in high school over 10 years ago. I thought I had moved on, I thought I had become something else if I really needed to change at all. But it is hard to go out and try to be happy when I know that nothing will ever come out of it.
Take last night for example. I was doing something that I enjoy doing, going with someone that I think would be a good person for me to be a bit more then friends with. And what do I do? I stop talking. I get nervous. I stop looking and feeling like I am having a good time. And she noticed. Though it wasn’t necessarily a first impression, it was in a way because I think this was the first time we were social outside of our normal interactions. Now I feel like it is ruined forever, like I shouldn’t even bother anymore. Sure, we can be friends, but is that all we will ever be? She already knows that I have a thing for her, and that may ultimately be my downfall.
In a perfect world, she was just as nervous as I was. Maybe I had the wrong attitude going into it as well, not really treating it as a “date.” I had nerves though before hand, waiting for her at the theater, but I didn’t even say that she looked nice, or that it was good to see her. Would I have acted differently with a different perspective? Did I set myself up for failure from the beginning? Not that I really expected anything monumental from happening, but it would have been nice to potentially make plans to do something again in the near future.
I guess I’ll just wait and see…