The Theory

The following is completely tongue-in-cheek but has led to hours of amusement at my place of work:

Just to set this one up a little better. You see, I have this theory. It has not really been further explored by me, or anybody else for that reason. Someday, maybe I can get a research grant or something to find out the truth, but until then, this will remain a theory. This theory applies to the military, specifically the Army. I have not yet been able to apply it outside of the Army, though pieces of it would probably work in the military at large.

The premise is that every female that joins the Army joins for any number of reasons, but specifically four, at least in one aspect. This will make more sense as we get into this in a minute. Some may fall in more than one category, but it is very difficult to fall into all four. If someone asks you what category that you think they are, they are always Category I to their face, but secretly can be placed in another category when they are not around, similar to the “What animal is that person” game.*

*In this game, you look at a person’s face and determine what kind of animal they look like in general terms. Very helpful if you ever decide to make a remake of “Animal Farm” or another movie that has only animals as characters.

Anyway, we’ll move onto the categories and it really isn’t that difficult to figure out when it all comes down to it.

Category I: Category I females are those that join the Army because they fill like they have something to prove, whether it is being better than a man or just trying to prove to themselves that they can do something that none of their friends attempted to do. I think that every woman in military, with some exceptions, would be in this category. There are those out there that specifically join because they are Category II or Category IV, but ultimately, they all feel like they have something to prove to someone and the military is a good place to do it. This is especially true of women that join the Marines, though they may also fall into the other categories as well.

Category II: Category II females may have joined because of reasons expressed in Category I. But they also have something “wrong” with them that makes it difficult for them to possibly find a mate in the outside world. They can be mis-proportioned in some way, be a “Butter Face,” or just generally unattractive. However, they join the military with the hope that some Category II male will find them marginally attractive and they can develop a relationship with said guy. Category II women can also be Category III, though they would be lower down on the pecking order. Also included in this category are those women that are “Army Cute,: which I and others have defined as being cute only compared amongst other women in the Army, but when placed against some civilians, would go from being a 9.5 to a 6 or lower.

Category III: Category III women are just plain sluts. They join the military because they know that somewhere there is a horny and desperate Sailor/Marine/Soldier/Airman who will have sex with her regardless of physical appearance. These women can fall into Category II, or they can be even more than “Army Cute,” even drop-dead gorgeous by outside-the-military standards. But they are joining the military because they know that chances are they can find someone to have sex with them because the organization has a 6-to-1 male/female ratio (at least in the case of the Army; the Marines are higher (15.5-to-1) , and the Air Force is about 5-to-1. The Navy is around 10-to-1). They could have also joined simply because they were Category I; this trait tends to come out on deployments or assignments in other countries.

Category IV: Category IV-types are lesbians. They joined to prove something, but also know that there will be some similarly situated women in their unit potentially. Even though the military practices “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” there is still potential for relationships, as long as they are kept on the down low.

Now before y’all start to think I am sexist or something, the same rules would apply to men as well. I am a strict believe of Newtonian physics: For every force, there is an equal and opposite force. In this regard, there are men in all four of the categories above. Same rules apply; everybody is a Category I to their face, and can be put in the other categories as needed.

Hope you enjoyed. Now resume doing whatever else you were doing prior to reading this blog.

2 thoughts on “The Theory

  1. Hum…now I am not so sure you are right here. I mostly say this because I have considered joining the military, and none of these reasons would be behind it. I think you are leaving out an important factor that may not have been thought of 2 or 3 years ago. The economy. I was even listening to NPR yesterday, and they were talking to young folks who are struggling in this economy. Those people who are fresh out of school, with less experience, and find they are getting the shaft in the bad job market, so some are now considering the military, even when they didn't consider it before, purely for the job and experience it provides.I am in that category.I don't feel I need to prove anything (I actually think I would prove that I can't be strong). I hope I am not a category 2, and in fact, my looks are one reason I wouldn't want to be in the male dominated military. Really don't think I am a category 3…again, my looks deter me from having to deal with this aspect. And category 4…again, no. So I think you would have to add a category 5, which would be, they joined because there were no other appealing job options, and a steady employer looked good. But that is just my view from the outside looking in.

  2. I should elaborate a bit: Category I is just the general reason, not necessarily with something to prove, but just the de facto category everyone falls into until another category is identified of them.As for the economy affecting the Army…it is. The Army is full, in case you haven't heard. Recruiters are no longer actively pursuing recruits, and those new Soldiers that come in have to be Category I, by which I mean they have a HS diploma, no waivers required, and are generally good kids. Retention NCOs at most posts are no longer allowed to canvas the population for reenlistments; they simply sit in their office awaiting folks to come by and reenlist. The Army is not hurting for people. They are also no longer allowing people with medical issues to simply hang out in the Army and get to 20 years and collect retirement. It is going to end up biting them in the ass, but they have to do what they can now so they are not soimply another form of welfare.I could write a whole series on how the military is and cannot be a stopping place simply because a person cannot find a job, but I'll save it for some other time. There are exceptions to every rule, but if a person is unable to find steady and worthwhile employment in the civilian sector, they may not be qualified to serve in the military anyway. But, as I said, that is a topic for another day.

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