The following is completely tongue-in-cheek but has led to hours of amusement at my place of work:
Just to set this one up a little better. You see, I have this theory. It has not really been further explored by me, or anybody else for that reason. Someday, maybe I can get a research grant or something to find out the truth, but until then, this will remain a theory. This theory applies to the military, specifically the Army. I have not yet been able to apply it outside of the Army, though pieces of it would probably work in the military at large.
The premise is that every female that joins the Army joins for any number of reasons, but specifically four, at least in one aspect. This will make more sense as we get into this in a minute. Some may fall in more than one category, but it is very difficult to fall into all four. If someone asks you what category that you think they are, they are always Category I to their face, but secretly can be placed in another category when they are not around, similar to the “What animal is that person” game.*
*In this game, you look at a person’s face and determine what kind of animal they look like in general terms. Very helpful if you ever decide to make a remake of “Animal Farm” or another movie that has only animals as characters.
Anyway, we’ll move onto the categories and it really isn’t that difficult to figure out when it all comes down to it.
Category I: Category I females are those that join the Army because they fill like they have something to prove, whether it is being better than a man or just trying to prove to themselves that they can do something that none of their friends attempted to do. I think that every woman in military, with some exceptions, would be in this category. There are those out there that specifically join because they are Category II or Category IV, but ultimately, they all feel like they have something to prove to someone and the military is a good place to do it. This is especially true of women that join the Marines, though they may also fall into the other categories as well.
Category II: Category II females may have joined because of reasons expressed in Category I. But they also have something “wrong” with them that makes it difficult for them to possibly find a mate in the outside world. They can be mis-proportioned in some way, be a “Butter Face,” or just generally unattractive. However, they join the military with the hope that some Category II male will find them marginally attractive and they can develop a relationship with said guy. Category II women can also be Category III, though they would be lower down on the pecking order. Also included in this category are those women that are “Army Cute,: which I and others have defined as being cute only compared amongst other women in the Army, but when placed against some civilians, would go from being a 9.5 to a 6 or lower.
Category III: Category III women are just plain sluts. They join the military because they know that somewhere there is a horny and desperate Sailor/Marine/Soldier/Airman who will have sex with her regardless of physical appearance. These women can fall into Category II, or they can be even more than “Army Cute,” even drop-dead gorgeous by outside-the-military standards. But they are joining the military because they know that chances are they can find someone to have sex with them because the organization has a 6-to-1 male/female ratio (at least in the case of the Army; the Marines are higher (15.5-to-1) , and the Air Force is about 5-to-1. The Navy is around 10-to-1). They could have also joined simply because they were Category I; this trait tends to come out on deployments or assignments in other countries.
Category IV: Category IV-types are lesbians. They joined to prove something, but also know that there will be some similarly situated women in their unit potentially. Even though the military practices “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” there is still potential for relationships, as long as they are kept on the down low.
Now before y’all start to think I am sexist or something, the same rules would apply to men as well. I am a strict believe of Newtonian physics: For every force, there is an equal and opposite force. In this regard, there are men in all four of the categories above. Same rules apply; everybody is a Category I to their face, and can be put in the other categories as needed.
Hope you enjoyed. Now resume doing whatever else you were doing prior to reading this blog.