I’ve been officially back from my deployment for four months today. I seriously thought by now that it would be different, that I would actually be moved on to the next phase of my life, that my little tax business would be a little successful, that I wouldn’t have to be working for the Army anymore. Granted, this is all partially my fault. I’m not really fully invested in the company as I probably should be, neglecting a lot of the free marketing or contacts that I could be doing. I don’t nearly take enough time focusing on the business as I should, but this is partly due to the fact that my job with the Army hasn’t ended yet.
I was hoping that being forced away from work would encourage me to get my act together, but I find myself falling into the same traps as before, relying on the paycheck from a job I don’t like to meet my obligations. Part of it is that it is easier for sure, and now that I may have received a temporary reprieve, I fear that I am going to work up to the end of my tenure here and then go off into the world without any future plans established.
I have thoughts and plans what I would like to do for sure, but right now I feel like I have no motivation for anything. I’ve been trying to keep this blog updated three times a week, and twice a week over at Eberhard Tax, but I have been finding it difficult to do so. It is not even due to a lack of things to write; tax blogs nearly write themselves, and I have a lot of stuff started for this blog here that I just need to finish. For someone that aspires to (maybe) be a writer someday, I don’t feel that I am writing enough to hone this as my craft.
Aside from the writing thing, life doesn’t feel like it is going that well right now. It’s a daily struggle to keep a positive outlook. I often feel like I am going through the motions, that what I do will have no effect on outcomes in the future. I do realize that my little corner of the world is not as nearly as bad as other parts of the world. I’m sure the people in other parts of the world would trade their current situation to live in my emo existence, but this is my blog.
Many of these posts talk about my trials and tribulations with the female of the species. I’m fairly passive when it comes to my interactions with women. Part of this is because I have never really dated anyone, so I have no “game.” Not that I want game necessarily; I try to be me all the time and just hope that a girl will make the first move. I don’t deal with rejection well, so I don’t put myself out there nearly as much as I probably should.
Again, purely my fault. It is still frustrating though. Combine that with my general malaise towards life right now and I just don’t really have any hope. Three weeks or so marks my three year “anniversary” from being divorced, and I thought I would be at a different point in my life by this point in all honesty. I would love to find a healthy relationship and hopefully get married again, but I also admit that, as of right now, I’m not a 100% ready for marriage. But in order to get married again, I would think that I would have to be dating at some point. I don’t know what the answer is at this point. Again, this is just general frustration with the way that I feel my life is going right now.
If you are still reading at this point, thanks. Ultimately, I am still optimistic for the future. Four months is a small sample size of what is about to come in my life. But it’s frustrating nonetheless. I hope that my future posts get a little more uplifting, so keep reading.
Until next time…